Its been a while since I have been involved in the ministry. I had a great conversation with one of my disciplers yesterday and it was nice how she was able to help me assess what I went through the past year. I was also talking to my grandmother this morning, she, being a woman of great faith understood why I am in this state.
Gone are the days when I would strictly follow the ideals of Christian living, thinking the world is wrong.I ‘m not turning bad, just opening up my mind. There is that element of confusion, the urge to join, to forget it all, abandoning the restrictions that just make that fire burn all the more. The truth is, you never really learn much if you restrict yourself. Sure, its nice to be following a straight path, but later on it turns out to be so predictable, it gets boring and you just want to break free. I also discovered that you never will really understand, unless you see and experience things for yourself. The good thing about it is that the Lord has his protection over you. You can only go so far, but since we are rational beings, anything beyond what the Lord allows is our doing. God knows that, He’s been human too. That’s why you can never never tell him he doesn’t know what its like.
Last year has been very stressful for me spiritually. Aside from being assigned to lead a small group, the classes that I had to take to be able to keep up with my being a leader just burned the ends of my rope. Not that I regret taking them, the thing is, all these lessons I took just came in batches that I was not even able to process them. Now, the mere sight of a theology book makes me shudder. Its like “Sheesh. I’m back to school.” Bible Study Methods–sure, that I enjoyed. Theology 1–yeah, a bit too heavy. All in the period of one year. Then there’s this gnawing pressure that you really have to instill all the knowledge in such a short period of time, because you’re a leader and you have to be more adept than the group you’re leading. I was always on my feet, thinking “I have to be this, I have to know this, I gotta teach this…” until I just didn’t know where I was anymore. Even my personal quiet time was stressful. In Christian terms, its like I had too much meat and I have not been able to digest it. It seriously affected my walk with the Lord because I was no longer enjoying him. It was as if I was doing it for the sake of doing it.
Right now, my lesser involvement in the ministry has allowed me to breathe and smell the flowers again. It has allowed me to enjoy the Lord. This year, I am taking things one at a time, learning things step by step. Its all about pacing. I also learned that the Lord doesn’t really have expectations as to what you’re supposed to know and be in a certain period of time. Its better to get to know God as he reveals himself to you step by step. Its keeping the romance alive, of always finding something new with what you have with him. I am as fine as ever. We talk every day, I tell him what makes me tick, the clothes I saw while window shopping, how I feel so tired when I get home, everything basically. I have rediscovered the beauty of having a personal relationship with him. That’s all that matters. The Lord desires a RELATIONSHIP.
Looking back, being so caught up and burned out didn’t really do much for my growth. You just know when things are no longer healthy, and your life and how you live it is supposed to be a reflection of how God is to you. And its not like that–God has been tremendously good to me and my being stressed out is not really a reflection of what He does in my life.
So there… learn things as they come, one step at a time.