I am struggling.
The week has been pretty much depressing for me, spiritually. I don’t know where I am and what I am doing wrong. I feel that I am keeping in step with God, but at some point I really feel so hostile toward people. As a Christian filled with the love of Christ, isn’t it supposed to radiate? I make myself out to be a hypocrite who cannot stand up, someone who failed, someone who really can’t.

Thankfully, I was able to go through the material Ate Janet gave me to read. It said in there that we can never change ourselves. It is only when we completely submit ourselves to Christ that He would be able to work in us and through us. It made me look back and reflect at how disappointing my life has been. Truly, it is only by grace that I am to be saved. Never can I go to Heaven by my own will power “for the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” Right now, I commit myself to my Father, that He would cleanse me inwardly of all the filth that has been gathered throughout the years.

I know that I can never move up to a higher spiritual level, unless I learn what God wants me to learn. I so want to cry right now. I want to cry at how disappointed I am with myself. Most of the time, it was me, myself and I on the throne. I regret self-importance. No, make that too much self-importance.

Years ago, I remember that I never valued myself. I often resented how I was and what I looked like. Only by the love of God have I been able to love myself but I think it became too much. I am dealing with the sin of vanity—something that I am so resentful of. Of course, it’s nice to attend to yourself but I think that I’ve come to this point that I’ve been worshipping myself too much that I, personally find it sick. As they say, do things in moderation.

Would you pray for me? This is something God and I ought to deal with.


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